can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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