We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
