I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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