I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
