I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
