Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
