i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
