so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
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