Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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