Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
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Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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