apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
