Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
