Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
