i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
