Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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