Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
