Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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