I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
