the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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