He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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