She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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