Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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