i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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