Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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