Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
