I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
