I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
