I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
