Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
