My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still dying that you shit outside
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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