Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
