...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
