Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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