I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
