I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
