Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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