He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
