My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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