my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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