3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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