Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
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I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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