Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
