Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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