My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
