It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
