i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
