I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize