I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
