Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
