You're my little dorito
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
