Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
