Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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