Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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