my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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