I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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