I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
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Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
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How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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