so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
