apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
